Thursday, June 30, 2011
Additionally...
Why are people really not embarrassed that I, and everyone else who knew them in highschool/college, can tell that they used their college graduation money to get a boob job? Seriously.
Just FYI
It's summer. Which means that lots of people are outside. For some reason, my neighbor's son thinks it's nice to invite his little 16 year old girlfriend over to swim in their pool, which is pretty nice I guess. The not nice part is that after he makes out with her 20 minutes once in the pool, he precedes to attempt dunking her, at which she screams at the top of her lungs, a shrill, piercing scream. Little girl, this message is for you:
Girls who scream like that deserve one thing; to be punched in the throat. So, if you come over to my neighborhood, and you see me relaxing nicely on my patio or in my own pool, minding my own business, don't scream, because the next time it happens, I'm probably going to stroll on over, let myself into the yard, and then punch you in the throat. It will probably be just a reflex, so you really can't get upset about it. You should probably stop screaming. I'm actually liable to do it twice.
Sincerely,
Me, who wakes up at 5:00am and works with snot nosed, screaming, crying, complaining children all freaking day long.
Girls who scream like that deserve one thing; to be punched in the throat. So, if you come over to my neighborhood, and you see me relaxing nicely on my patio or in my own pool, minding my own business, don't scream, because the next time it happens, I'm probably going to stroll on over, let myself into the yard, and then punch you in the throat. It will probably be just a reflex, so you really can't get upset about it. You should probably stop screaming. I'm actually liable to do it twice.
Sincerely,
Me, who wakes up at 5:00am and works with snot nosed, screaming, crying, complaining children all freaking day long.
You know you've been in childcare for way too long when...
1. You think it's kinda funny when kids fall off of stuff/into stuff/just fall in general.
2. You take pride in the fact that you walked into the classroom, and 20 children shut up in utter fear.
3. You tell kids that if they chant "all hail plankton" or "you're fired!" one more time, you're going to throw them over the fence.
4. When 5 year old boys ask you if you can crack their heads open on rocks and watch their brains ooze out like an egg, you don't exactly consider it, but let's just leave it at that...
5. Things that seemed stupid to you 4 years ago are awesome now. Like chasing a butterfly for 20 minutes straight.
6. Cleaning up poop, pee, barf, blood, sweat, etc doesn't really phase you anymore.
7. You get giddy over getting the opportunity to leave the classroom for an hour to do paperwork.
8. Outside of work, it takes everything in you not to reprimand other people's children, even random children in the mall or at the park or in line at Starbucks.
9. People think that because you work in childcare, it's ok to just dump their kid on you when they don't feel like being a parent.
10. You have no problem telling that said parent to actually be a parent or else they have to pay you.
11. You know exactly how, when, and where you're going to raise your own children, but having kids still freaks that crap out of you.
12. You can tell which kids are going to require a little more supervision (to put it nicely) the second they walk in the door.
13. Phrases like "Ms. Randomladiesname, you look so beautiful today used to flatter you, but now you just become suspicious.
14. You can pull random new and creative games/stories/crafts out of your butt like no tomorrow, but ask you to a simple math equation, and you're screwed.
15. At the end of the day, when you're tired and probably would jump off of a bridge at the sound of one more child's voice, you know you'll still come back tomorrow because you love the little boogers way too much.
2. You take pride in the fact that you walked into the classroom, and 20 children shut up in utter fear.
3. You tell kids that if they chant "all hail plankton" or "you're fired!" one more time, you're going to throw them over the fence.
4. When 5 year old boys ask you if you can crack their heads open on rocks and watch their brains ooze out like an egg, you don't exactly consider it, but let's just leave it at that...
5. Things that seemed stupid to you 4 years ago are awesome now. Like chasing a butterfly for 20 minutes straight.
6. Cleaning up poop, pee, barf, blood, sweat, etc doesn't really phase you anymore.
7. You get giddy over getting the opportunity to leave the classroom for an hour to do paperwork.
8. Outside of work, it takes everything in you not to reprimand other people's children, even random children in the mall or at the park or in line at Starbucks.
9. People think that because you work in childcare, it's ok to just dump their kid on you when they don't feel like being a parent.
10. You have no problem telling that said parent to actually be a parent or else they have to pay you.
11. You know exactly how, when, and where you're going to raise your own children, but having kids still freaks that crap out of you.
12. You can tell which kids are going to require a little more supervision (to put it nicely) the second they walk in the door.
13. Phrases like "Ms. Randomladiesname, you look so beautiful today used to flatter you, but now you just become suspicious.
14. You can pull random new and creative games/stories/crafts out of your butt like no tomorrow, but ask you to a simple math equation, and you're screwed.
15. At the end of the day, when you're tired and probably would jump off of a bridge at the sound of one more child's voice, you know you'll still come back tomorrow because you love the little boogers way too much.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Furthermore...
My new favorite past time is asking the five year olds, each individually if they like my ring and on a scale of one to ten how sparkly do they think it is. Then I take my hand away as they are admiring it's shimmering gloriousness and say, "It's mine, go away"
I've been working in childcare way too long.
I've been working in childcare way too long.
How you know you have been drinking too much for too long
You start assigning nick names to your alcohol:
Zinfindel: Zinf.
Samuel Adams Beer: Sam.
Leinenkugels Beer: Linnies.
Trader Joe's Charles Shaw Wine (AKA, Two Buck Chuck): Chuck.
And it goes on...that being said, my parent's conversation tonight went as follows:
Dad: Susie, you want a Sam or some of the chuck?
Mom: Eh, I could go for some sammie.
Dad: Ok
5 minutes later
Dad: Here you go, it's frosty!
Also, last week I had a conversation with someone about nice wine. In my opinion, anything in the price range of 7-10 dollars is nice. I didn't even know that wine was sold for hundreds of dollar sometimes. I guess I fail, but wine makes me barf a little anyway.
That being said, I've quit drinking.
Zinfindel: Zinf.
Samuel Adams Beer: Sam.
Leinenkugels Beer: Linnies.
Trader Joe's Charles Shaw Wine (AKA, Two Buck Chuck): Chuck.
And it goes on...that being said, my parent's conversation tonight went as follows:
Dad: Susie, you want a Sam or some of the chuck?
Mom: Eh, I could go for some sammie.
Dad: Ok
5 minutes later
Dad: Here you go, it's frosty!
Also, last week I had a conversation with someone about nice wine. In my opinion, anything in the price range of 7-10 dollars is nice. I didn't even know that wine was sold for hundreds of dollar sometimes. I guess I fail, but wine makes me barf a little anyway.
That being said, I've quit drinking.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Deal of the Day
I am an expert at dressing my fantastically unstylish fiance in designer clothing, turning him from frumpy musician who slightly resembles a homeless man into a snobby prep fresh fresh out of Wheaton, IL. This week, we had a rehearsal dinner to go to. Geoff wanted to wear his Target slacks that he bought in 10th grade, so I went out and scouted these:
How much do you ask? $20.00
Then I swung on over to the women's section and purchased this little number (for $14 bucks!)
American Eagle Outfitters dress (see more floral dresses)
You have a frumpy musician fiance who slightly resembles a homeless man as well, you say? Does he have a long shaggy beard like mine? Turn your frumpy man into bohemian chic here
Looking a little frumpy yourself? Want to show up your estranged friends from high school at your best friend's wedding rehearsal dinner? Click here!
My secret, you ask?
Platos Closet
How much do you ask? $20.00
Then I swung on over to the women's section and purchased this little number (for $14 bucks!)
American Eagle Outfitters dress (see more floral dresses)
You have a frumpy musician fiance who slightly resembles a homeless man as well, you say? Does he have a long shaggy beard like mine? Turn your frumpy man into bohemian chic here
Looking a little frumpy yourself? Want to show up your estranged friends from high school at your best friend's wedding rehearsal dinner? Click here!
My secret, you ask?
Platos Closet
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Today while swimming...
Geoff is a wild man in the pool. Once we hit the water, his age decreases by like, 15 years, but he still has all of the strength of a 21 year old. I am extremely nervous to enter the pool with him. He sneaks up on me, hidden underneath floaties (which look like they are being pushed over by the wind), grabs me, picks me up, and throws me into the water, flings me over his shoulder, swims over, spits a mouth full of water on my face, then giggles and runs away, and a whole slough of other things that are obnoxiously annoying.
Anyway, today Geoff decided he was going to pretend he didn't have legs, and that I had to "carry him" around the pool (which was more like him clinging to my legs) so that he wouldn't "drown". According to Geoff, his legs were "cut off" in the "war". Also, when he used his legs to kick off the wall of the pool, he said that it was actually his "jet pack"
So I tell you all of this to set up a ridiculous story that will explain perfectly my relationship with my boyfriend.
Me: (as Geoff is clinging onto me in the pool) Ouch, Geoff, stop hugging me so tight, your chest hair is poking through my swimsuit on my stomach
Geoff: It's my secret weapon. I'm injecting you with poison with my chest hairs.
Me: You are?
Geoff: Yes...love poison
Me:...but I already love you
Geoff: Oh...well then I guess that won't be necessary.
You could say we're cute...or just seriously messed up.
Anyway, today Geoff decided he was going to pretend he didn't have legs, and that I had to "carry him" around the pool (which was more like him clinging to my legs) so that he wouldn't "drown". According to Geoff, his legs were "cut off" in the "war". Also, when he used his legs to kick off the wall of the pool, he said that it was actually his "jet pack"
So I tell you all of this to set up a ridiculous story that will explain perfectly my relationship with my boyfriend.
Me: (as Geoff is clinging onto me in the pool) Ouch, Geoff, stop hugging me so tight, your chest hair is poking through my swimsuit on my stomach
Geoff: It's my secret weapon. I'm injecting you with poison with my chest hairs.
Me: You are?
Geoff: Yes...love poison
Me:...but I already love you
Geoff: Oh...well then I guess that won't be necessary.
You could say we're cute...or just seriously messed up.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Day 2 of P90X
Things that make me want to punch Tony Horton (the obnoxious guy with the microphone on P90X) in the face.
1. The way he thinks that his program will somehow magically transform an aging, wrinkly, saggy body into a beach body in just 90 days!
2. The way he points out that the girls who are featured in his videos are either, "making the face of someone who is working hard", or that their shirt was "light green before they started this work out"
3. The way he stomps around his studio and grunts and growls out the name of that work out like he's oh so manly.
4. The way he explains to his viewers, "it's ok if this is hard for you, it was hard for me initially too." and constantly points out that the people in his videos are "real people" who are sweating "real sweat". I don't want to hear about your sweat, Tony.
5. When he says "I would highly suggest a recovery drink right now...oh man I cannot wait to get to mine"
Dear Tony,
You have not beaten me yet. I have done 2 days of P90X and I have not cried, barfed, or even wet myself. In fact, today after our nice little work out, I felt like I hadn't worked out hard enough, so I went on a 4 mile run. Let's talk about intensity friend. Just because you have nasty looking veins that wind down your arms doesn't make you cool. I am thoroughly disappointed.
Love,
Aubree
1. The way he thinks that his program will somehow magically transform an aging, wrinkly, saggy body into a beach body in just 90 days!
2. The way he points out that the girls who are featured in his videos are either, "making the face of someone who is working hard", or that their shirt was "light green before they started this work out"
3. The way he stomps around his studio and grunts and growls out the name of that work out like he's oh so manly.
4. The way he explains to his viewers, "it's ok if this is hard for you, it was hard for me initially too." and constantly points out that the people in his videos are "real people" who are sweating "real sweat". I don't want to hear about your sweat, Tony.
5. When he says "I would highly suggest a recovery drink right now...oh man I cannot wait to get to mine"
Dear Tony,
You have not beaten me yet. I have done 2 days of P90X and I have not cried, barfed, or even wet myself. In fact, today after our nice little work out, I felt like I hadn't worked out hard enough, so I went on a 4 mile run. Let's talk about intensity friend. Just because you have nasty looking veins that wind down your arms doesn't make you cool. I am thoroughly disappointed.
Love,
Aubree
Friday, June 3, 2011
P90X did not make me barf or cry or plead for mercy
My boyfriend is on a work out kick lately, and has purchased a copy of P90X. He asked me to do it with him. I thought to myself "You know, I'm a runner, I'm pretty active, it's going to be painful, but I can get through this"
So this morning we started with Ab RipperX. Half way into the work out, Geoff was bent over with his head buried into the floor crying. I was still pushing through it, although I took his advice and took "breaks", I didn't take a ton. And yeah, my abs hurt a little, but guess what? I didn't cry or barf or plead for mercy. So guess what Tony Horton, if that's your real name, you're going to have to develop a harder program for me I guess, if you can. I mean, maybe I'm just competitive, but honestly, when you say things like "Abbbb rriippppeerrrr exxxxxx" in that creeper date raper voice, or "Now look at Audra...this is how a woman who is working hard looks", it actually makes me kind of want to slap you in the face, conquer your freaking program, re-write the dumb thing, and then sue you for discrimination and for emotional harm. Yes, that is right.
Bring it on, Tony Horton. I will never surrender, I will never lay down and die.
Also, your diet plan is whack. Wiggidy whack.
Don't tell me what to eat, fool.
So this morning we started with Ab RipperX. Half way into the work out, Geoff was bent over with his head buried into the floor crying. I was still pushing through it, although I took his advice and took "breaks", I didn't take a ton. And yeah, my abs hurt a little, but guess what? I didn't cry or barf or plead for mercy. So guess what Tony Horton, if that's your real name, you're going to have to develop a harder program for me I guess, if you can. I mean, maybe I'm just competitive, but honestly, when you say things like "Abbbb rriippppeerrrr exxxxxx" in that creeper date raper voice, or "Now look at Audra...this is how a woman who is working hard looks", it actually makes me kind of want to slap you in the face, conquer your freaking program, re-write the dumb thing, and then sue you for discrimination and for emotional harm. Yes, that is right.
Bring it on, Tony Horton. I will never surrender, I will never lay down and die.
Also, your diet plan is whack. Wiggidy whack.
Don't tell me what to eat, fool.
Kids say the darndest things...
YMCA Kids Lines of the Week...
Me: Hey Liam, am I your friend?
Liam: (after looking around for a second) THERE IS A BUG IN MY BUTT!!! IT IS BITING MY BUTT OWWWWWW (continuing as he runs away)
Me (to another teacher): So, do you think that's a yes?
(to close circus week at the YMCA, we painted the kids faces like clowns)
Liam: (preceded by a high pitched girly, blood curdling, shriek, not scream, shriek) CLOWNS! CLOWNS! CLOWNS! CLOWNS!!!!!!!!!
Kid "Hi Ms. Aubree. I'm so glad you came to work today, because I'm going to let you ride on my roller coaster.
(this particular child speaks about her roller coaster a lot. Someday, I would love to find out that all this time we've been laughing it off and she really actually does have a roller coaster)
Day 1.
(dad walks in)
"Hey Sweetie, guess where we're going?" (child gets look of terror on her face)
Kid: The...the doctor?
Dad: yes, it's going to be alright. We have to go.
Day 2:
Kid: MS. AUBREE!!! I GOT THREE SHOTS YESTERDAY FOR KINDERGARTEN AND I DIDN'T CRY OR BARF!
(she's got a better track record than me, that's for sure)
This week I...
Ate leafs that were magically gummy worms, became a troll which hid under a bridge, had an epic sword fight with Hans Solo, and infected an entire herd of people, turning them into zombies.
What did you do at work this week?
Me: Hey Liam, am I your friend?
Liam: (after looking around for a second) THERE IS A BUG IN MY BUTT!!! IT IS BITING MY BUTT OWWWWWW (continuing as he runs away)
Me (to another teacher): So, do you think that's a yes?
(to close circus week at the YMCA, we painted the kids faces like clowns)
Liam: (preceded by a high pitched girly, blood curdling, shriek, not scream, shriek) CLOWNS! CLOWNS! CLOWNS! CLOWNS!!!!!!!!!
Kid "Hi Ms. Aubree. I'm so glad you came to work today, because I'm going to let you ride on my roller coaster.
(this particular child speaks about her roller coaster a lot. Someday, I would love to find out that all this time we've been laughing it off and she really actually does have a roller coaster)
Day 1.
(dad walks in)
"Hey Sweetie, guess where we're going?" (child gets look of terror on her face)
Kid: The...the doctor?
Dad: yes, it's going to be alright. We have to go.
Day 2:
Kid: MS. AUBREE!!! I GOT THREE SHOTS YESTERDAY FOR KINDERGARTEN AND I DIDN'T CRY OR BARF!
(she's got a better track record than me, that's for sure)
This week I...
Ate leafs that were magically gummy worms, became a troll which hid under a bridge, had an epic sword fight with Hans Solo, and infected an entire herd of people, turning them into zombies.
What did you do at work this week?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)